mardi 14 septembre 2010

a way back home from the airport

Airports always give me impressions. Plus flashback. I remember my departure two years ago, my arrival, my trip to spore with boyfie, my friends' departures, and many more. This time, it reminds me how life was to me: exciting.

A close friend of mine, icha, is going to Japan today, and also I happened to meet two others. And it strikes me, again, the thought that life supposed to be exciting. I couldve had a better living today, I couldve been way happier.

"Del, you couldve been one of us, leaving for Japan."
"Yeah, Cha, I know. Nyesel knp dulu gue ngga ikutan daftar batch terakhir."

Now my days are pretty much about regret. Sad, I know. I regret the fact that I didn't even try to apply with Icha, I regret the fact that I wasn't optimistic enough with Singapore, I regret the fact that I can't help myself to be happy.

Maybe I'm just in a bad phase of life. I don't know. One thing fosho', I need to be happy.

Toodles.

lundi 13 septembre 2010

T'as raison, mon ami.

"Whenever you have a problem, come to us. We've been through the same thing, so we know how you feel. We're the one that actually understand, above all the people. We're all in this together, we are a big family here." -- Reorie 2009

Yeah, right. I love being a part of this crowd. There's always someone that i can talk to, who shares the same crazy state of mind as mine. Not everyone, but there's always someone; boys, girls, older, younger, doesn't really matter. Thank God.

love, a proud returnee.

Where are the happy faces?

Oh hey Adelia, I kinda miss you.

PPC: Me, Mega, Gai, Kiky

The mighty AFSers. Icha has gone to APU, Tony went to NTU :(

I miss the smiles, the laughters, the togetherness, and the good or bad times.

Hey You, I Miss You. Not You.

I miss Adelia 2009 version.
I miss all the bright colors, the sneakers, the laughter.
I miss the good times, all the struggles I’ve been put through, all the positivity.
I miss not having to hear all the shits that I can actually beat inside my head.
I miss the ability of being careless of the not so nice people.
I miss the ability of being nagging as a way of revenge.
I miss being able to deal with loneliness.
I miss having the friends I can text to anytime, the ones I can talk to all day long, the ones that listen to any crap I say and I’ll listen to the craps they say.
I miss not to worry about silly things, knowing that everything’s gonna be alright.
I miss being cheesy, yet happy.
I miss the decent warm hugs.
I miss the way people say hello and ask ‘how are you’, the way they mean it, not because they have to.
I miss smiling to people with a smile that comes from the inside.
I miss being nice.
I miss everything nice.
Most of all, I miss me.

You thought everythings alrite, but heck, everythings not.

Heck yeah, ive been crying almost every night lately. Nothing’s actually really wrong but I cant help but cry. Well, I know that must be something wrong, been thinking, and yeah there is.
“Whats really wrong with being lonely, loneliness is the only feeling ive ever felt.” Oh to the hell with it, im so done with being emo-ish.

I feel…. Alone. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I hate my college life, I hate every single thing about it. I hate the fact that im not in Singapore instead doing things i like. I hate the surroundings. I hate the people who name themselves as friends, but theyre purely not. I hate not having anyone that I can feel comfortable with. I hate being in this 2010 batch at college. i hate the fact that I don’t know what the fuck im doing here majoring communication. I hate the way people look down on me when I told them where im studying right now. I hate the fact that I don’t let myself mingle with those kids, for the fact that I cant like them until now. I hate when my so called bestfriends don’t even care about me. I hate that I have nobody to count on. I hate that Gai isn’t in UI, Kiky is in HI, leaving me alone. I hate everything, everyone, including me.

I need to get out of here. I need to move out and start a new life. I need to be in a place where I belong, where I can mingle. I need to find something to do to distract me. I need a new environment. Fuck with “never give up”. Fuck with everything. I don’t care about everything, about anything. I don’t care about you, all of you, and all of your business. Fuck with the word ‘friends’, have I ever be one of you, one of your ‘real’ friends? Ha.

lundi 7 juin 2010

As time went by, as i grow up...

... I realized that not every dreams could come true.

As much as we want things, not all we want are tangible. either it's us, or the circumstances that don't let us. me? i have to let go some of my big dreams. maybe being nineteen gives me a new impression of life, reality and also acceptance of nonavailability. i have to say goodbye to that silly dream of having a cool American high school year, to the target of graduating from YPM (yes, as much as i hated it, i still want that diploma.), to the dream of Harvard Law School (or is it still possible?), to the dream of being skinny and tall (now!), to the dream of being a cool doctor like Meredith Grey, and many more.

but then again, you cant always have what you want.

i should be thankful, i got what i need. i got a great exchange year, ive fulfilled the passion of going to Paris and seeing Eiffel before my twenties (and by my effort!), ive gotten into University of Indonesia, majoring Communication (even though im not really sure what to do), my fam is in a good condition, i have good friends, i think people do like me, so, well, im happy.

But, still, a girl has her dreams. Lots of dreams. Graduating from college in less than 3 years, straight 4 GPAs, maybe a place in SMU next year?, be famous-really famous, get a show in Nat Geo or discovery, get slim and tall, and else and else.

Many things in mind. Yes, being nineteen, few months left before hitting twenty, i finally know what i want. now the thing is just how to make that happen. big job, adelia, big job. so world, here comes the not so little girl! :-)

A little blabbering on the so called soulmates

"No matter how much someone loves you, and how much you love someone, or even how you're meant for each other, if you don't work out on your relationship, it wont last long, or even if it does, it wont stay good, it wont go well."--- my fairy godmother, Oshin, like years ago.

So, what if soul mates don't really exist?

Now lets get started on some quotes. "The idea of we can only be complete if we're with the other half is actually pathetic." Yes, i couldn't agree more. What about people who choose celibacy, like Oprah in example? Yeah we all need company in life; family, friends, love mate, and else, but not only one single person. is it possible to have soul-mates? or even if you're already found your significant other, are you a hundred percent sure that he/she is your so-called soul mate? what if then it turns out that your spouse isn't your soulmate? what if, lets say, you thought you've found your soulmate, but then you were wrong, and you found another one, the real one? what if you're wrong all over again? until when will you keep on doing this hunt for a soulmate?

My favorite couple in (TV) world don't believe in soulmates. (And yeah, idk whether the word "couple" should go on with don't or doesn't.) I am talking about Chandler Bing and Monica Geller. "I don't believe in soulmates. we met each other, we liked each other, then we fell in love. but then again, we worked on this relationship. we managed. that's what makes us together until now." That clearly doesn't sound romantic, but i think Monica's got the point. (Anw, where's that cheesy side of me? Hello?) Love is just not sufficient. Soulmate inst as simple as finding someone, its more likely "working and staying with someone". that's my opinion. Not that ive already found one and getting ready to tie the knot (doh, ive just graduated from highschool like 2 weeks ago!). My mom always says that no relationship could survive only by having love. even in marriages, love will go away in like 15-20 years. after that, all you have are, respect, tolerance, friendship -a super special one, you can call it love, but by this term i dont mean the one that makes you blush or gives you butterflies. the kind of love that lies one step higher than the usual lovey dovey thingy, if you get what i mean.

as much as BJ Habibie loves his late wife, i bet they also had to work things out sometimes. they managed to get through all the obstacles and stayed together, and in the end it's fair to call them 'soulmates".

okay. revision. Soulmates exist. But a soulmates is earned, not only as simple as found. nothing comes for free.

i still believe that God has the right one for me, and i do believe that God gives good person a good spouse. I hope i'll get a good one. really good one. Amen.

Btw, i dont know what put me on writing this things. Too many episodes of Friends, i guess?

lundi 31 mai 2010

Places, People, Insecurity, and dammit i wanna be slim!

WARNING: this will be a whiny meeney girly lame post. i am telling you.

I feel terribly fat and not good looking. well, the last one isn't fully true (if you know how snobbish i am). but yes, i feel fat.

i gained 13 kilos over my exchange year, even though i lost those frigging weight and got back to the before leaving numbers, i still feel fat. dammit. I TOLD YOU BEFORE ITS GONNA BE LAME. I've never been the kind of person who's comfortable with her body, nah, not at all. even though I'm not humble enough to be shy, but yeah i never like my body shape. not telling you that I'm not thankful with this perfect body, i mean i got all the body parts complete. but yeah, you know what i mean.
And even any of you got thinking that this has something to do with boy thingy, nope baby, you are wrong. have you ever heard the saying "Women don't dress up for men, but for other women." Oh yeah, talking about women ego and self confidence. isn't it stressful enough seeing like literally almost everybody looking skinny and really good? never mind the thought that you cant fit into those cool stuff on online shops which i bet only customized for models (and normal girls). And please, don't even start with "Curvy is sexy" dammit, it was Beyonce who said that. Beyonce. Look at her so called curve!

Okay i gotta stop. i know. what i really wanna write here is actually the fact that places and people could really change your mindset. environment shapes you, positively or negatively. in my case, its the second one. i remember back then in France, i was a huge girl (not gonna tell you the number!) yet i felt extremely comfortable with how i looked. i knew i was fat, but well, i didn't really give a damn about it. my friends were okay, everyone was okay, and so was i. it didn't even matter for me that most of my girls were like supermodels. but now, i look much better than back then, but hell i don't feel well. is it the place where i live in now? is it the people? is it the common sense here of good girls should look good, and by looking good they mean skinny? is it the atmosphere here where every girls wants to be skinnier and skinnier, even the skinny ones. is it the people who always feel free to comment about literally everything? is it the people who thinks that outer look says it all out loud? or is it simply me?

i don't know. maybe i should see a shrink. maybe i should see a nutritionist. or even a beauty surgeon (nah, cant afford that one for sure). all i know is i know i look much better than i did last year. but i feel worse.