Caffein-Induced Thoughts On Being Single

Yes, this is a post about being single. Yes, it might be the caffeine rush. And yes, I'm reading too much Thought Catalog again. Bear with it.

Months ago I had a conversation about the need to take spaces to think about what we really want in life, in a partner, and stuff. We agreed that taking spaces is needed, especially when we were just starting the twenty something experience; we need to figure things out. So i took mine.

I feel glad that I took the trip that let me reinvent myself, let me meet new people, taught me to step out of my comfort zone, and most of all, taught me that it's okay to be afraid, because changes are normally frightening.

It took me almost a year to find out what I want and finally do it. And friends who weren't afraid to speak up their mind and tell me that I do deserve better. And meeting new people. And an amount of school-related stress. And self-realization that some changes need to be done, unless I can handle not being content all the time.

And so here I am, single again, after years of being in a relationship. It is liberating. It's even better than when I finally ended the long distance relationship that wasnt going nowhere back in high school. Yes, initially it was weird, not having a constant someone anymore and having to face questions from family about that someone's whereabout.

But in the same time, it is amazing. I can list some fun things about being single, again: the anxiety of what's going to happen next; the relieved face of my friends when I told them the news (haha i do realize it, guys!); the excitement of being back in the game; the hilarious jokes thrown at single people; the social time that you have to hang with friends; and of course, the sense of independency that was once lost.

However, the most important thing is, for me, that being single again lets me appreciate what I have and who I am. I can be the kind of person I've always wanted to be (seriously, you'll winced if you realize what an unhealthy relationship can turn you into); and as I once told my friend, I realize that I dont need a boyfriend to make me feel good. People around me are already so great and caring. My support system works really well.

But just because things are pretty much going on well doesnt mean that it doesn't get lonely at times. It does. I often find myself longing for company to try some new food with, or partner to get scared the shit out together by watching a recently released horror movie. And not that I don't have friends, it's just.... sometimes it's not easy to find someone(s) that share the same weird taste as mine. It takes time and patience.

In the mean time, I am blessed with friends who are pretty much available any time I need them. Or even when they're not, there's always Line and group chats. And I do have things to do, like composing proper lines to put on my thesis outline, my internship, and scrolling Buzzfeed's pages.

For all I know, loneliness is not a good reason to rush into a relationship. It's not falling in love, it's falling in love with the idea of being in love.

And as much as I am a hopeless romantic, I still think that rebuilding trust in people and relationship takes time -let alone trusting new people (sorry, strangers!)-and no one knows how much time we need. Maybe it takes only a month, maybe three years, maybe five, or maybe we're already there. Who knows.

(PS. If you enjoy books - from poetic ones to The Hunger Games; understand classical music but still listen to Backstreet Boys and Blink 182; think that obsessing about Dexter is totally normal; can talk about a damn lot of topics -from current political affairs to BBC's Sherlock (!!!) ; would watch any kind of movies -from The Hobbit to Moulin Rouge; tolerates Rocky Horror -plus someone singing 'Sweet Transvestite' from time to time; and love cookies, call me. Seriously, we could be buddies. Oh, and I'll make you cookies. My cookies are pretty damn good.)

(PPS. To my support system, Kiks and Bils, I hereby say thank you, and I love you.)

Toodles!

Midsummer Nonsense

Jakarta. There’s something about mid summer. Maybe the free time it provides lets us to have more time to rethink about things that we never had time to think. Maybe the adventures it lets us to enjoy give a chance for us to make peace with whatever fight is happening inside our brain. Maybe it’s the sunshine – or in today’s case, the everlasting rain- gives a calming effect. There’s always something about mid summer.

One midsummer, I found myself wanting something more, something bigger than what i accustomed to.  One midsummer, I was on a flight, getting ready for an adventure to begin. Another midsummer, I met people who later become part of my support system.

This mid summer, I find myself enjoying what I’m doing and starting to think to change lanes. Also, this midsummer, I am blessed to know some new people that teach me so many things - from how to write real stuff to how important it is to stand for what you believe in.

There might be no blossoming flowers nor new stamps on my passport in this midsummer. There might be an unreciprocated feeling happening this midsummer. There might even be confusion about future plans. But things are as good as it might be. My midsummer has been as enlightening as always.

As the end of summer draws nearer (well, with the climate change, I don't know if we even still have seasons), I can only hope things will get even better, and the upcoming fall semester will bring good things, good changes and clearer pathways.

For now, I can only enjoy the sunshine and the rain (j’adore la pluie!!). I hope you too have a good midsummer!

Forever, you say?

Remember in middle school you had one friend or several friends and you were inseparable throughout the years? And then high school happened, you found some other friends to hang out with and inevitably left the ones you had before. And then college happened. And so on.

Yes, life goes on. Yes, people come and go but only the ones that really matter stay. I know that very well.

I was just looking at old pictures and stories, seeing faces that once were labelled "BFF" - Best Friend Forever. It's funny that the ones that the people you called BFF ended up to be the ones that you never really speak to again. It's funny that the used to be day-to-day catching up sessions are replaced by seeing each other's posts on social media. It's funny that we were so easy to call someone(s) BFF, and just in one or two years, we have no idea what's going on with each other's life.

What's with the term "forever"? How could we be so sure about the long-lasting aspect of a relationship? Was it just a hope? Was it a plan? Tsk.

But maybe then again life is just trying to show us which ones that we can be certain of.

Maybe the term "forever" is too romantic. Maybe the most important thing is to appreciate what we have now.

For now, I am lucky to have good people surrounding me and I'm deeply grateful for their presence. I'm having a good relationship with my family (thank god the puberty vs menopause time is finally over); my partner-in-crimes are the best that i can hope for; new found friends that are only a group chat away; nice people in my internship place; the crush -oops-; and so on.

I wont worry about what future has in store for my relationships and friendships. This time, maybe it's best to follow what someone once told me: good relationship doesn't just happen, you need to work on it; and never-never take things for granted. Then maybe, just maybe, forever can happen.

Toodles xx

Four Years Later

I was just browsing through this blog (that I havent touched since Jan), and I found a post from few years ago. The post was about my insecurities with the future: where to go, what to do, what i wanna be. That was back in senior year in highschool. As time went by, now, four years later, I'm in my senior year again, and here I am, contemplating about the same questions. Where do we go from here?

I thought that I got it all figured out when I chose which school to go (didnt we all?), but nope, I'm still trying to find my way. It's getting clearer. I mean, I know what I wanna be, but how? Trying to figure out what to do next is confusing. I mean, we're twenty somethings, arent we supposed to be good at making plans?

The end is near, with only one semester to go (or maybe two), seniors are now facing the same old question: where do you wanna go from here? 

Will we ever have the answer for this question? Will the plan work? What if it doesnt? 

Too many questions. Insecurities are not good, I told myself over and over again. A friend told me that worrying wont get you nowhere, the most important thing is to seize the moment with what you have now as tomorrow will come anyway. Or in Hagrid's words: " What's comin' will come, and we'll meet it when it does."

Maybe they're right. Maybe we (I) should chill and believe that everything will be alright. Even Sulley and Mike can end up as the best scarers in Monsters, Inc. even though they got expelled from the university. Yeah, maybe worrying really wont get you anywhere.