T'as raison, mon ami.

"Whenever you have a problem, come to us. We've been through the same thing, so we know how you feel. We're the one that actually understand, above all the people. We're all in this together, we are a big family here." -- Reorie 2009

Yeah, right. I love being a part of this crowd. There's always someone that i can talk to, who shares the same crazy state of mind as mine. Not everyone, but there's always someone; boys, girls, older, younger, doesn't really matter. Thank God.

love, a proud returnee.

Where are the happy faces?

Oh hey Adelia, I kinda miss you.

PPC: Me, Mega, Gai, Kiky

The mighty AFSers. Icha has gone to APU, Tony went to NTU :(

I miss the smiles, the laughters, the togetherness, and the good or bad times.

Hey You, I Miss You. Not You.

I miss Adelia 2009 version.
I miss all the bright colors, the sneakers, the laughter.
I miss the good times, all the struggles I’ve been put through, all the positivity.
I miss not having to hear all the shits that I can actually beat inside my head.
I miss the ability of being careless of the not so nice people.
I miss the ability of being nagging as a way of revenge.
I miss being able to deal with loneliness.
I miss having the friends I can text to anytime, the ones I can talk to all day long, the ones that listen to any crap I say and I’ll listen to the craps they say.
I miss not to worry about silly things, knowing that everything’s gonna be alright.
I miss being cheesy, yet happy.
I miss the decent warm hugs.
I miss the way people say hello and ask ‘how are you’, the way they mean it, not because they have to.
I miss smiling to people with a smile that comes from the inside.
I miss being nice.
I miss everything nice.
Most of all, I miss me.

You thought everythings alrite, but heck, everythings not.

Heck yeah, ive been crying almost every night lately. Nothing’s actually really wrong but I cant help but cry. Well, I know that must be something wrong, been thinking, and yeah there is.
“Whats really wrong with being lonely, loneliness is the only feeling ive ever felt.” Oh to the hell with it, im so done with being emo-ish.

I feel…. Alone. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I hate my college life, I hate every single thing about it. I hate the fact that im not in Singapore instead doing things i like. I hate the surroundings. I hate the people who name themselves as friends, but theyre purely not. I hate not having anyone that I can feel comfortable with. I hate being in this 2010 batch at college. i hate the fact that I don’t know what the fuck im doing here majoring communication. I hate the way people look down on me when I told them where im studying right now. I hate the fact that I don’t let myself mingle with those kids, for the fact that I cant like them until now. I hate when my so called bestfriends don’t even care about me. I hate that I have nobody to count on. I hate that Gai isn’t in UI, Kiky is in HI, leaving me alone. I hate everything, everyone, including me.

I need to get out of here. I need to move out and start a new life. I need to be in a place where I belong, where I can mingle. I need to find something to do to distract me. I need a new environment. Fuck with “never give up”. Fuck with everything. I don’t care about everything, about anything. I don’t care about you, all of you, and all of your business. Fuck with the word ‘friends’, have I ever be one of you, one of your ‘real’ friends? Ha.

Places, People, Insecurity, and dammit i wanna be slim!

WARNING: this will be a whiny meeney girly lame post. i am telling you.

I feel terribly fat and not good looking. well, the last one isn't fully true (if you know how snobbish i am). but yes, i feel fat.

i gained 13 kilos over my exchange year, even though i lost those frigging weight and got back to the before leaving numbers, i still feel fat. dammit. I TOLD YOU BEFORE ITS GONNA BE LAME. I've never been the kind of person who's comfortable with her body, nah, not at all. even though I'm not humble enough to be shy, but yeah i never like my body shape. not telling you that I'm not thankful with this perfect body, i mean i got all the body parts complete. but yeah, you know what i mean.
And even any of you got thinking that this has something to do with boy thingy, nope baby, you are wrong. have you ever heard the saying "Women don't dress up for men, but for other women." Oh yeah, talking about women ego and self confidence. isn't it stressful enough seeing like literally almost everybody looking skinny and really good? never mind the thought that you cant fit into those cool stuff on online shops which i bet only customized for models (and normal girls). And please, don't even start with "Curvy is sexy" dammit, it was Beyonce who said that. Beyonce. Look at her so called curve!

Okay i gotta stop. i know. what i really wanna write here is actually the fact that places and people could really change your mindset. environment shapes you, positively or negatively. in my case, its the second one. i remember back then in France, i was a huge girl (not gonna tell you the number!) yet i felt extremely comfortable with how i looked. i knew i was fat, but well, i didn't really give a damn about it. my friends were okay, everyone was okay, and so was i. it didn't even matter for me that most of my girls were like supermodels. but now, i look much better than back then, but hell i don't feel well. is it the place where i live in now? is it the people? is it the common sense here of good girls should look good, and by looking good they mean skinny? is it the atmosphere here where every girls wants to be skinnier and skinnier, even the skinny ones. is it the people who always feel free to comment about literally everything? is it the people who thinks that outer look says it all out loud? or is it simply me?

i don't know. maybe i should see a shrink. maybe i should see a nutritionist. or even a beauty surgeon (nah, cant afford that one for sure). all i know is i know i look much better than i did last year. but i feel worse.

Update!

Hey dudes and dudettes!
Its been a super long time since my last post. Not that i dont wanna write anything, its just that the internet connection here is soo slow and annoying it makes me lazy to type, and i cant stand tying long paragraphs from my cell.

So my life has just begun (again) in the same old place but different surroundings. Ive started my 4th year of highschool back in SMA 8. Things are pretty good in school, i have some friends, my class is a blast, i love my fellow returnees, the lessons are still as crazy as always, well like ive said, its all okay. There are also some things that are pretty annoying for me, things that they call as Culture Shock. So many things are different from what we have back in France. Like how teachers mind about simple random things on their students, and the negative attitude that spreads throughout the school element, i dunno, am i just being to witty or its just the way it is in indonesia?

See, i cant share my opinions without looking like a snob who has been abroad. But yeah its all different here and there. My seniors are right, my real adventure begins not when i'm abroad but when i'm back in my natural country. Adapting will be harder here. Hope it'll be a blast too like last year.

Anywhoo. I dont think i can write as many as before. Senior year is pretty crazy, especially when you werent studying hard last year and go travelling instead lol. And i have to prepare for my SAT and TOEFL, i wanna go to Singapore Management University next year (wish me luck!) and also i have to study for UAN and SIMAK thingies because i'm scared that SMU is like too far away to reach. But i can already see myself living in spore next August :p Crossing Fingers! Last reason why i dont think i cant write like i did last year, i dont think my life has as much drama as last year. I have had enough drama for my adolescence years. Time to be an adult, i'm eighteen and its quite old (esp. im surrounded by sixteens and seventeens) I'd prefer to focus on SAT Vocabs than silly love stories like i did last year :) (But yeah, im still single and searching lol)

Okay, i gotta stop blabbering.
See ya!

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS JUST TOO GOOD

oke sekarang gue ada di sebuah kota kecil namanya Bollene, antara Lyon dan Marseille. Gue dipindahin hostfam krn hostfam gue pada sibuk dan gakbisa (tapi kayaknya sih gak mau) nganetrin gue ke Valence buat ambil bis ke Paris hari sabtu pagi buta. jadinya gue cabs lbh cepet. gue ceritain lengkap ntar deh di jakarta.

perpisahan dgn tmn2 sedih bgt, nangis2 dikit, sama hostfam biasa aja. hostmum gue masih brengki ngeselin abis shitty deh ntar gue ceritain males gue ngomongin dia lg sensng2 gini haha

so skrg gue lg di Bollene di hostfamnya tmn gue namanya eva, dr islandia. and it is great! ada swimming pool, gue brng, ikutan sun bathing (gatau diri udah negro haha), ada tv lenglap dgn cable dan audio sistem, tvnya juga gede haha ada PS 3, ada Wii, internet ada, keluarganya sumpah oke abis, ada bocah lucu bgt uur 5taun. tmn gue si eva juga baik bgt. dan gak ada waktu2 shitty dan crappy kayak dulu gue brg si hostmum rese gue itu haha

anyhoo gue mau liburan lagi ya!
flight gue nyampe kam 10.10 wib di sukarno hatta tgl 13; so see you when i see you :)

Facebook status on July 1st 2009

“Adelia Putri misses that feeling of having a major crush.”

No, i dont mean that feeling of having someone as your bf or dating someone. Well, yes, but that's not what i mean. What i mean is that silly feeling when you have a crush on someone(s), how suddenly there are butterflies in your stomach and your cheeks are flushing. Yeah, being in the L thing.

I'm single now, like totally single, not dating, sms-ing, being close or whatever with any guy. And before you say anything, i tell you one thing, NO, I'm not complaining about being single nor i'm in an urgent need of a guy nor I basically need someone to fancy me. Nope. It's just i've never been really out of love, like totally empty, plain, even not having little fling or crush or lust with anybody for months. It's kinda weird, i mean i kinda miss that rush on my blood or that silly blush. I just miss that feeling. My life's kinda flat these days, because of this silly thingy? i dunno. But yeah, it's flat. No jolt, no rush, no flush or blush. Nothing's wrong, it's just flat. Well, boring.

And before you think that i'm a pschyco girl who loves being surrounded by admirers, nah you're wrong. I'm not goodlooking enough to be that kind of girl.

(And dont ask about that Paul guy i've been stalking on. That guy doesnt even know me. Do i intend to hop in front of him and introduce myself? No way. He knows that I'm that strange Asian who always gazes on him. How can i be creepier? But i miss seeing him around in school, stalking him made my schooldays more interesting. However, chances i'm never gonna see him anymore. I'm leaving Thonon next week.)

kangen!

Gue kangen istirahat kedua di RO. Gue kangen rapat-rapat aneh yang isinya ketawa terus. Gue kangen ngurusin anggaran, nelfonin alumni, sok sibuk kesana kemari. Gue kangen jas biru gue yang oke itu. Gue kangen marahin adek kelas. Gue kangen dipanggil 'kakak'. Gue kangen ngeliatin adek kelas panik. Gue kangen Dani. Gue kangen Tony. Gue kangen Dias. Gue kangen Handy. Gue kangen Fitri. Gue kangen Fika. Gue kangen Ghema juga. Gue kangen Indy. Gue kangen Ririe. Gue kangen Rino. Gue kangen Woro. Gue kangen Sona. Gue kangen Caandini. Gue kangen Ferdy. Gue kangen Ail. Gue kangen Bandung dan karaokean Inul Vista. Entah kenapa gue hari ini jadi kangen banget sama PO 43.

hello!

Momma's message that woke me up at 1am last night (I've been in France for like 11 months and my family still doesnt know -or realize or care- about the 5 hours time difference!): “Udah bayar BTA, toni jg ikut, placement test sabtu 18 juli, brg dia. Belajar yg banyak ya, Fisika Kimia Biologi Math biar sekelas dia Teh! Take care”

Dan gue ngga bisa tidur lagi, seperti biasa, bukan cuma karena gue emang gabisa tidur lagi kalo abis kebangun, tapi juga krn di otak gue tiba2 muncul banyak pikiran dan gue pengen bgt nelfon nyokap gue (which is ga mungkin, pulsa sekarat dan kartu telfon gue abis buat nelfon Disty) atau pengen ngoceh ngoceh sama siapa aja (ngga mungkin juga gue bangunin tmn gue, dan ngoceh pake bahasa lain agak susah dilakukan pada jam 1 pagi).

Yang ada di pikiran gue:
Emak gue ngapain bawa-bawa nama Tony? Tapi gue sih mau bgt sekelas sama Tony, since mungkin dia satu2nya org yang gue kenal.
“Belajar yg banyak ya” itu maksudnya apa??? First of all, otak gue udah TUMPUL. serius deh, gue ngerjain soal spmb (liat kunci jawaban tentunya) udah mau nangis (literally). Gue stress, ngga ngerti apa-apa, lupa semua. Setaun ini gue zonk ngga mikirin belajar sama sekali! Yang kedua, media belajar gue hanyalah buku soal SPMB ipa dan matematika. That's all. Gue butuh Pak Wicay, Pak Iman, dan Pak Mukti, dan Pak Hamid. Ketiga, gue lagi LIBURAN tolong ya, susah bgt buat buka buku ngerjain soal.
BTA ngapain sih pake placement test segala, iseng amat. Biar yang bego ngumpul sama yang bego, yang pinter makin pinter gitu? ADUH. Nasib gue gimana ini? Anw, ngaruh ngga sih tu test?
Tanggal 18 Juli adalah re-orientasi AFS gue di Wisma Handayani. Mana gue ikutan BTA?

Dan gue akhirnya gue ambil BTA 8 hari Sabtu. Tadinya mau BTA 45 tapi ngga jadi, soalnya mahal bgt dan total jamnya sama di BTA 8. Dan krn gue butuh les privat sama guru cina gue dari smp itu. Dan kata buku spmb gue, kalo cuma drilling soal-bahas ngga perlu bimbel. Oke gue tau itu ngga nyambung. However gue akan ambil BTA 8, les privat juga, CCF di salemba. Dan sepertinya gue harus mengubur keinginan gue untuk masuk Yamaha lanjutin piano gue. Gue jadi freelancer setaun deh, pas kuliah baru les lagi, mudah2an ngga terlalu telat. Hidup penuh pilihan ya kawan.

Mon Gateau tout chocolat ♥

Finally, i made a cake on my own, seriously! And it turned out to be good too! I havent tried it, but it smelled just sooo good. I'll eat it tonight. And here's the recipe ( i took it from a website and made some changes :p )

Gateau tout chocolat :)
for 6 persons

200 gr cooking chocolate
6 eggs
150 gr butter
100 gr flour
150 gr sugar

1. Switch on the oven to heat it (on scale 1-10, put on 6. or 200 celcius)
2. Melt the chocolate (if possible au bain marie: put it on a bowl and put the bowl in boiling water. But normal way would do good also)
3. Add butter and mix well.
4. In a big bowl or whatever, mix the eggs, sugar, and after the flour. Add the chocolate fondu, and stir well to make a homogene paste.
5. Put the paste on a mold (apply some butter and flour before, so the cake wont be sticky)
6. Bake it for 25-30 minutes.

Enjoy :) I havent taken a pic of my cake, I'll post it after. But for now, i have a barbecue party to attend!

ME BEING POSITIVE.

I've never thought that i could be THIS huge...
Oops, not a proper sentence to start a postive post. Okay let me start over again.

I've never thought that i could go to France before my twenties, let alone LIVING in France, but now, I'm here, aren't I? I've made it.
I've never thought i could survive stranded in the middle of nowhere, where I hadnt known anybody, where people speak alien language, but well, I'm here and i speak their language, right?
I've never thought i could be friend with good people here, let alone having bestfriends, but now, I'm surrounded with such nice and sweet people, and I do have bestfriends, like the ones i have back home.
I've never thought i'd be strong enough to step away from my previous relationship, that i couldnt bear any thought being alone, that i'm such a vulnerable person. But well, here I am, stronger than before, laughing at the silly girl i became, and thanking God for all of this. I've made it through, i even can laugh over things!
I've always thought that I'm alone, that I couldnt be extrovert enough to tell anybody my stories or problems, but then I was wrong, right? I do have many people to talk to, to trust, and who'd love to help me. And here I am, much more open to other people. I've made it.
I've never thought that i could speak English, let alone speaking French. I was that girl who had brilliant written grammar score but sucked at oral. But well, now I'm not that pathetic anymore, i can stand talking and blabbering in English, and I know that I'm getting better in French. I guess I've made it.
I've never had a good dose of self esteem and confidence, trust me. I had been so insecure and never felt good enough, almost of the time. But now, i feel a slight-no, make it big- change inside of me, i know i'm good enough for almost all things, as long as i can put trust in God and myself. I've made it.
I've never thought i could write so much, but here I am, trying to count how many post, crap notes, and other things i've put on my blogs. And how wonderful it is, there some people telling me some of my writings are good and thoughtful (well, sometimes, i mean the good serious normal ones, not my crappy shitty whiny thingy).

I've passed those selections back home, I've passed my worst and most vulnerable moments, I've passed my lonely times, I've passed the crap times here, I've passed those wonderful moments here, I've passed those crying and shitty moments, I've passed the language barrier, I've passed many things, the bests and the worsts. And I'm still standing still. I've made it.

Maybe afterall, I'm no longer that Adelia i used to be. Maybe I've changed, i dont know. But after all what I've been through, my 4th year in highschool couldnt be any worse or any harder, could it? I've made this big year through. It wasnt easy, i told you, especially for the naff and witty and spoiled brat like me. But thank God, I've made it through. Now, maybe afterall, going back home and starting (or continuing) my life, wont be a hard pain, n'est-ce pas?

I'll make through my senior year successfully, graduate with great scores, get a super university (maybe scholarship too? i hope!), mingle and love 2010, lost these bloody kilos, get some jobs, and else. Wish me luck! I'm trying to be positive!

Gros bisous,
Adelia,
votre fille preferèe.

j'en ai marre.

okay i'm just fed up with everybody saying "hey adelia, you look so fat" and things like that. HEY i know my body better than you all, so dont worry, i do know that i'm as fat as winnie the pooh. do you think that i dont care? youre so wrong. i'm trying my best to lose these friggin kilos, but it's not easy! can people just shut their mouth up? i mean its okay when one or to people say that, but not everybody! i'm sick of it.

and i wonder, nobody ever complained about how fat their already-big friends. maybe if i weighed 80 kilos from the start, nobody would ever mentioned these nagging things to me. ive never been skinny though. i wish i could be anorexic or bulimic.

better, i wish i could stay here forever where my friends never asked me how many kilos ive gained and accept me the way i am no matter how huge i look or how many shits i blabber all day.

che casino!

i was going to post something on my blog when i realized that my folder containing all my writings are gone. DISPARU. ILANG. man! i have the 10 pages of my french year memoir and a story that i've been working on since 2008 (i had it like 50 pages) and theyre GONE now. and no, i dont have any backups. ARGH.

anw, i had Jacky Day today, it was a lot of fun! and i saw that hot guy, he wore an old lady dress and still put a hat and another Louis Vitton bag (i wonder how many LV bags he has, since he use them almost everyday to school) and then i saw him wearing a normal glasses, with rectangle lenses, that guy couldnt be any hotter trust me.

lots to tell, but i cant write right now, i'm too pissed off. seriously. I wrote my stories with all those details about UK and EU and else, and theyre gone. merde

see ya
xoxoxo
i hope i could find where my data has gone :(

4 juin 2009

remember the hot guy i've mentioned yesterday? today he was sitting infront of my table at canteen. oh my gosh i couldnt think, i was panicking he was just soooo gorgeous. seriously. eventhough he has a big tendency to be a gay. and i guess his gf (i hope she's not his gf! lol) knows that there'a a strange and weird indonesian girl who is crazy about this boy. yeah whatever.yeah, thats him on the pic. i know im such a pathetic stalker haha

anyway, i saw a pretty dress, peach with ruffles. so sweet. i hope my mum will let me use it to the prom bcos its kinda 'open' i mean it's a sleeveless dress. but soooo pretty. and i saw a nice pump heels too. i havent bought any. i'm still thinking. anyway i have silver heels at home, i dunno if it'll match the peach dress. if they match, maybe i'll buy that dress.

And i did my DELF test too. easy. i thought it'll be full of grammars bah. i'll take the level B1 and B2 when i come home.

thats all xoxoxoxo

lovey dovey thingy anyone?

last night around midnight i was still texting with my friend, then suddenly i realized that i haven't done this kinda stuff since a long time. not sending message on the cellphone, but texting my friends just to have fun or just to talk about random things to escape from some boring moments. I've just realized these past three years i was too focused on my bf. not that i didn't have friends or girlfriends, but i think my favorite subject to talk about with them was my bf, like all the time i talked about the lovey dovey thingy. and yeah, i could send like 200 messages a day to my bf. weird, huh?

okay so last months i broke up with my bf for like 2,5 years (and surprise surprise now he has a new girlfriend- hey I'm not supposed to be gossiping around about him, right?) and hey it's already a month? wow time goes really fast! okay back to topic, after that broken heart phase, now I'm already okay, gosh I'm so doing fine. jack johnson was right, you cant stop wishing if you cant let go ;) The good thing is, i dunno how, I've found some friends, and really I'm not the old mellow yellow adelia I've became these past 1 year. it's like... umm, free?

i can chat with anybody, i can go online every time i want. there's nobody jealous of me or telling me not to get too close with my bffs which happened to be boys. and it's just fun that i can send messages to my friends not for telling them my love story but just to get busy and laugh over some random things like the dull French class. yay the main thing is i can now open my eyes and mind for like everything. yeah like i said before, it's like being free.

not that i say i've had a bad relationship with a bad man, i think it's just me who took things too seriously and forgot about other things which actually are interesting. yeah someone was right about moving on, and maybe we just weren't made for each other. and i'm not saying that being in a relationship is a bad thing, no, i'm not scared of falling in love and having a relationship again, well maybe not now, but the thing is maybe getting too serious is not a good idea. after all, i'm still young, eighteen years old is still a long way to get married, right? ;p

and now i wonder, hey why was i scared being single? yeah kinda abstract, i think i was too dependent that time, not by the status but by the person. maybe i was scared nobody would like me except him, ah silly me i forgot about my bunch of fellas. okay the big thing is i'm not alone, i'll never be alone. and well now even though i wont be seeing that particular guy at the airport when i arrived in jakarta, or maybe i'll never meet him again, it'll all be fine. i'm out of that love, and i still have plenty of loves from my family and friends, and who knows what will happen next right? lol <3

the world of my own

lately i realized that something has changed within me. I'm getting more and more "alone". Not telling you that i dont have any social life, but it seems i enjoy wandering alone in my thoughts. It's kinda difficult to stay listening on conversations (especially when people talking about uninteresting subjects, in french, speaking loud and fast). I maybe listen for 5 minutes, and then get lost. I'm lost in the world of my own. And sometimes people's presence annoys me. Some people, not every people. I still love being among my friends.

Am i being authistic? It's like i'm not living in the real world. Although i have social life,i have to admit that most of my life is pretty mush about the internet, facebook and my blogs. I found out that i spend most of my times wondering what to write on my blog post. Weird isnt it? I'm becoming more and more solitaire. I dont know why. I'm not normal.

But i do have life outside, and back home in Jakarta.
I love blabbering around and laughing out loud. Outside.
This house depressed the hell out of me.
I need my friends.

Adieu

skyzophrenic? (hell i dont know how to spell it)

my host mum just told me that it pissed her off that i dont speak at all at home. she asked me if i realized that she didnt speak to me these past 2 days. okay, honestly i didnt. these past four days i was too busy finishing Angels and Demons and Da Vinci Code. but, bref, that's not the problem.

so this was today's dialogue, translated in english.
Hostmum: See, you dont speak at all!
Adelia: Umm, yeah (not sure what to respond)
H: Do you realize that i didnt talk to you these 2 days? It wasnt comfortable for you, right?
A: Yeah.. (i hardly realized that she was doing that actually)
H: And so i am, you didnt talk at all at home. that brings problem to the family! It's not funny anymore (Hey who told you that it's a joke?) You told me that you seldom speak with your parents too, but it's okay with them. But not with me here. Now it's too late. And I know that you really wanna go home now, but that's because of you!
A: Yeah (still dont know what to say)

I dont know. i really dont know.
She was right about going home, i want it, but not bcos i'm having bad times here. Nope. I do really have great times with my FRIENDS. Okay, i admit it, i'm not close with my hostfam. seriously not. i dont know, until know i dont feel like a part of family. they said that i dont wanna talk at all with them. but hell, what should i talk about with them? My break-up with my two year bf and then 2 weeks later he already got a new gf? of course not! Seriously i had no idea what to do. My friends keep telling me to talk and spare times with hostfam. But how can i do that if i'm not comfortable with them, especially with my hostmum! Damn. I dont know. I'm having great times outside, in school, but i hate being at home. I'm okay with my hostdad, i can talk to him, he's way better than my hostmum idk why. But well, if i cant solve this problem, i only have 53 days left anyway. Life sucks in this home.