Places, People, Insecurity, and dammit i wanna be slim!

WARNING: this will be a whiny meeney girly lame post. i am telling you.

I feel terribly fat and not good looking. well, the last one isn't fully true (if you know how snobbish i am). but yes, i feel fat.

i gained 13 kilos over my exchange year, even though i lost those frigging weight and got back to the before leaving numbers, i still feel fat. dammit. I TOLD YOU BEFORE ITS GONNA BE LAME. I've never been the kind of person who's comfortable with her body, nah, not at all. even though I'm not humble enough to be shy, but yeah i never like my body shape. not telling you that I'm not thankful with this perfect body, i mean i got all the body parts complete. but yeah, you know what i mean.
And even any of you got thinking that this has something to do with boy thingy, nope baby, you are wrong. have you ever heard the saying "Women don't dress up for men, but for other women." Oh yeah, talking about women ego and self confidence. isn't it stressful enough seeing like literally almost everybody looking skinny and really good? never mind the thought that you cant fit into those cool stuff on online shops which i bet only customized for models (and normal girls). And please, don't even start with "Curvy is sexy" dammit, it was Beyonce who said that. Beyonce. Look at her so called curve!

Okay i gotta stop. i know. what i really wanna write here is actually the fact that places and people could really change your mindset. environment shapes you, positively or negatively. in my case, its the second one. i remember back then in France, i was a huge girl (not gonna tell you the number!) yet i felt extremely comfortable with how i looked. i knew i was fat, but well, i didn't really give a damn about it. my friends were okay, everyone was okay, and so was i. it didn't even matter for me that most of my girls were like supermodels. but now, i look much better than back then, but hell i don't feel well. is it the place where i live in now? is it the people? is it the common sense here of good girls should look good, and by looking good they mean skinny? is it the atmosphere here where every girls wants to be skinnier and skinnier, even the skinny ones. is it the people who always feel free to comment about literally everything? is it the people who thinks that outer look says it all out loud? or is it simply me?

i don't know. maybe i should see a shrink. maybe i should see a nutritionist. or even a beauty surgeon (nah, cant afford that one for sure). all i know is i know i look much better than i did last year. but i feel worse.

Rubbish, but yeah whatevs

1. how old are you?
eighteen

2. are you single?
well, obviously yes.

3. at what age do you think you'll get married?
26-28

4. do you think you'll marry the person you are with now?
who?

5. if not, who do you want to marry?
Adam Lambert,but wait he's gay. Okay make it Gaspard Ulliel, or Kevin Aprilio (?)

6. who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
My girlfriends since primary school

7. do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
Beach wedding

8. where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
Paris, Rome, and Thonon (?)

9. how many guests do you think you'll invite?
More than a thousand. I'll be famous, right? lol

10. will that include your exes?
Yes, and let them see what they have lost, letting me go (okay i sound like a psycho)

11. how many layers of cake do you want?
five would be enough

12. when do you want to get married, morning or evening?
Morning, then afternoon party!

13. name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.
Endless love, Better Together, I love you til the end

14. do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon&fork?knife?
Fine dining, of course!

15. champagne or red wine?
no alcohol, gaboleh sama mama

16. honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
days after the wedding..

17. money or household items?
MONEY

18. how many kids would you like to have?
two or three

19. will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
yes

20. whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
Disty Grahisa, entah mengapa