Everything comes for a reason, they said.

Back in 08-09 (YES I CANT STOP COMPARING THAT YR TO ANY EVENT IN MY CURRENT LIFE), I had an exchange year. I didn't know what exactly I was looking for. Well, I knew that I didn't wanna be like others (meaning I wanted to be/have something special compared to other kids- so I took "the road less traveled"). I knew that France had always been a big dream of mine, so it was kinda dream-fulfilling thing to do. I knew that I wanted to speak other languages. I knew those things back then, but those things were actually the small things, not the ultimate goals. So yeah, I actually didn't know the big reason why i took that road (well, being accepted was god's big plan and blessing, but applying for it was a crazy? random? or just typical? move). But then again, after a year of ups and downs and also questioning what-the-hell-im-doing-here, i found so many things that I didn't even know I needed, answers to questions I never knew I wondered about. And It was great. A true meaning of life changing. (I'm gonna stop here. Check out my old multiply blog if you wanna know my old exchange stories, even though Idk why you would.)

Another round, another quest:Singapore, 2012.

Got another chance to go on exchange program. Singapore it is, only 1hr flight from jakarta. A typical indonesians' getaway. I thank god for the chance, yet I'm struggling with the same old question: what am I trying to find here?

- a payback, since I was rejected by NTU and SMU back in 2010?
- a semester long break?
- a challenge that I cannot find in UI?
- a proof that I am good enough for this?
- another life changing experience? (Not really expecting it, I'm pretty satisfied w/ my french year as the life changing one. However, one cannot have many life changing events, rite? Otherwise it won't be as 'life changing' as it should be.)
- college life that I can finally fit in? (With the competitive atmosphere, opportunities, and working culture)
-  a humbling experience? (That's probably it. I need this one.)
- a chance to be a better version of me? (Being alone in random place does bring out the best qualities in you.)
- to be thankful? (4weeks and I'm already feeling grateful w/ life back in jakarta and in france-with the friends and places and ppl)
- another round of finding out what to do next and where to do it?

Well, everything has its own time to come. It's only been a month, and I'm sure I'm gonna figure those thing out in time. One thing for sure, exchange is always a festivity. No matter how near it is. And even when it doesn't involve cool traveling moments.

That One Thing You (well, I) Should've Known

After all these years, especially these past 4 years, the one thing that you should have known is everything will be right in the right time. Or in Hagrid's words: what will happen, happens. In Suta's words: everything will be perfect in God's time. Be patient. Breathe in, breathe out. Stop the envy, and chill. Everything's will eventually turn out great.

a way back home from the airport

Airports always give me impressions. Plus flashback. I remember my departure two years ago, my arrival, my trip to spore with boyfie, my friends' departures, and many more. This time, it reminds me how life was to me: exciting.

A close friend of mine, icha, is going to Japan today, and also I happened to meet two others. And it strikes me, again, the thought that life supposed to be exciting. I couldve had a better living today, I couldve been way happier.

"Del, you couldve been one of us, leaving for Japan."
"Yeah, Cha, I know. Nyesel knp dulu gue ngga ikutan daftar batch terakhir."

Now my days are pretty much about regret. Sad, I know. I regret the fact that I didn't even try to apply with Icha, I regret the fact that I wasn't optimistic enough with Singapore, I regret the fact that I can't help myself to be happy.

Maybe I'm just in a bad phase of life. I don't know. One thing fosho', I need to be happy.

Toodles.

T'as raison, mon ami.

"Whenever you have a problem, come to us. We've been through the same thing, so we know how you feel. We're the one that actually understand, above all the people. We're all in this together, we are a big family here." -- Reorie 2009

Yeah, right. I love being a part of this crowd. There's always someone that i can talk to, who shares the same crazy state of mind as mine. Not everyone, but there's always someone; boys, girls, older, younger, doesn't really matter. Thank God.

love, a proud returnee.

Where are the happy faces?

Oh hey Adelia, I kinda miss you.

PPC: Me, Mega, Gai, Kiky

The mighty AFSers. Icha has gone to APU, Tony went to NTU :(

I miss the smiles, the laughters, the togetherness, and the good or bad times.

Hey You, I Miss You. Not You.

I miss Adelia 2009 version.
I miss all the bright colors, the sneakers, the laughter.
I miss the good times, all the struggles I’ve been put through, all the positivity.
I miss not having to hear all the shits that I can actually beat inside my head.
I miss the ability of being careless of the not so nice people.
I miss the ability of being nagging as a way of revenge.
I miss being able to deal with loneliness.
I miss having the friends I can text to anytime, the ones I can talk to all day long, the ones that listen to any crap I say and I’ll listen to the craps they say.
I miss not to worry about silly things, knowing that everything’s gonna be alright.
I miss being cheesy, yet happy.
I miss the decent warm hugs.
I miss the way people say hello and ask ‘how are you’, the way they mean it, not because they have to.
I miss smiling to people with a smile that comes from the inside.
I miss being nice.
I miss everything nice.
Most of all, I miss me.

You thought everythings alrite, but heck, everythings not.

Heck yeah, ive been crying almost every night lately. Nothing’s actually really wrong but I cant help but cry. Well, I know that must be something wrong, been thinking, and yeah there is.
“Whats really wrong with being lonely, loneliness is the only feeling ive ever felt.” Oh to the hell with it, im so done with being emo-ish.

I feel…. Alone. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I hate my college life, I hate every single thing about it. I hate the fact that im not in Singapore instead doing things i like. I hate the surroundings. I hate the people who name themselves as friends, but theyre purely not. I hate not having anyone that I can feel comfortable with. I hate being in this 2010 batch at college. i hate the fact that I don’t know what the fuck im doing here majoring communication. I hate the way people look down on me when I told them where im studying right now. I hate the fact that I don’t let myself mingle with those kids, for the fact that I cant like them until now. I hate when my so called bestfriends don’t even care about me. I hate that I have nobody to count on. I hate that Gai isn’t in UI, Kiky is in HI, leaving me alone. I hate everything, everyone, including me.

I need to get out of here. I need to move out and start a new life. I need to be in a place where I belong, where I can mingle. I need to find something to do to distract me. I need a new environment. Fuck with “never give up”. Fuck with everything. I don’t care about everything, about anything. I don’t care about you, all of you, and all of your business. Fuck with the word ‘friends’, have I ever be one of you, one of your ‘real’ friends? Ha.