Last minute attempt to be happy

Yes, this will be another post on the latest death penalty saga. Let’s now talk about the late Andrew Chan. I’m not gonna lecture you about the pro/cons of death penalty nor the crimes that led him to the shooting range. I wanted to talk about one (of the many things) that broke me: how love prevails even in the darkest hours.

Andrew was arrested in 2005 for drug smuggling, and so on, you must’ve heard the story by now. In 2012, he met Feby, an Indonesian pastor, when she was visiting the jail where Andrew was located. Their friendship grew and they began a relationship in early 2014. After his clemency appeal was denied by President Jokowi, Andrew proposed to Feby. They got married one day before the execution date. And as you know, Andrew is very much dead now. Read the touching story here. 

I know what you think: so what? She had it coming. That’s what I thought, like why the hell you got involved in that relationship in the first time? Why did you get married one day before he was gonna get killed? For heaven’s sake, this is not A Walk To Remember.

Then it hit me. You cant choose who you fall in love with. “Good and nice people are hard to find, that’s why when you find them, you stick with them,” my dear friend once told me during our late night talk.

And then, people are crazy. “We’d like to think that people are rational, but they are not,” the big boss, Maria Ressa, said. People do stupid shit they might regret later on, and no one is perfect. Everyone comes with a huge baggage behind them (I know I do), so I guess, if you’re lucky enough to find someone willing to share that baggage, then you do whatever it takes to hold on to that, right? 

People are irrational, especially when it comes to feelings, and nobody can claim what is right or wrong to do. Read my stupid thoughts from 2013 on the same thing here. 

Well, rest in peace now, Andrew. And Feby, stay strong.

Mary Jane, hopes, and bitterness

Image taken from Rappler.com

The world is not all glitters and rainbows, they said. I used to refuse that notion. I used to believe that good things happen to good people, so as long as you do good, good things will always come your way. I used to be this bubbly girl who only lives on the bright side.

But then, life happens. I started to fall in love with journalism and got deeply involved in it. Little did I know that working in the media can really make you bitter.

I have to deal with bad news on daily basis —all those killings, injustice, stupid people given way too much power, to heart breaking stories that can ruin you for good. Tom Fletcher was right. Bad news are bad for your brain. It changes you. It changes the very core of you: your way of seeing the world, your way of perceiving life.

I’ve come to terms that shit happens all the time, and sometimes the best you can do is to be accepting and patient, because life doesn’t play a fair game and not everything has to happen with a reason. Sometimes, it’s useless to have hope in this messed up world (or country) we live in.

My cynicism grew bolder as we covered death penalty stories. Don’t get me wrong, I support death penalty. I believe some people are so terrible they deserve to die, that the world will be better off without them. But I strongly believe that a fair trial should held high and I believe in second chances. Pre-meditated murderers and that drug-lord Fredy Budiman deserve the gunshot to the chest, but not those guys who foolishly smuggled drugs when they were only 21 and 24 (my age!) and had spent the last 10 years trying to make amends. And definitely not Mary Jane Veloso. More on her here. 

So we (the Rappler team) covered death penalty stories. I met Mary Jane’s legal team, heard the stories, did a story on how executions are carried out, made list of the convicts’ last wishes, and i tell you, it was terrifying. It was horrible.

I know journalists aren’t supposed to be emotionally attached to what they’re working on, but how can we not?  I had nightmares of having guns pointed to my head (screw you Undang-Undang No. 2/ PNPS/1964!!) or being brought to the shooting range. I couldn’t help but imagining how it must’ve been for the family who counts hours before midnight strikes, knowing that their loved one will go, or how helpless it felt to know that this is a messed up country with a messed up legal system and you are powerless.

But a miracle happen last night. The government finally made some sense and spared Mary Jane’s life to give ways for proper investigation to be conducted. #MaryJaneLives.

We rejoiced, tears were shed.

Those long days of covering her and her family’s stories, the continuous push for intervention, and even the last-minute online petition finally paid off. I didnt believe that anything good could come out from those efforts. “The journalist in me had always doubted it, to be honest,” said Carmela Fonbuena, one of the Rappler Manila team. So did I.

Being hopeful, then hopeless, then hopeful again, only to be disappointed later is tiring. That’s why I opted not to put any hopes. But these guys and last night’s events proved me wrong.

Hope always exists even in the darkest times. Hope is the only thing we can hold on to when everything goes haywire. And as Ted Mosby once said in How I Met Your Mother: “When you believe in people, people come through.”

So, thank you Mary Jane, Rappler, and the supporters for reminding me to stay positive, to still have hopes on humanity, and that sometimes, believing is all you need to make things better.

Life is not fair, but God is good.

Thank you. 

It's not you, it's not me either.

Hi, you. You doing good? You seem to have good times, at least that what I've seen on my timeline. But well, I wouldn't be surprised if those frozen smiles weren't 100 percent true. I've learned it the hard way that social media only shows what you want to show and magnifies those things.

Hi again, you. Is it weird to ask you how life's been treating you lately? I mean, we do talk from time to time, but it's been a while since our last heart to heart talk. No, scrap that. It's been way too long.

I miss those time when we were inseparable and just text messages away. I miss the talk, the laugh,the tantrum, the trash talk. I miss us.

It's easy to blame you. Trust me, I can come up with hundreds items why we are not who we used to be. I can blame your job (which I have no idea how you really feel about it since you only talk to me about the bad times), your excuses of not having money every time i want a rendezvous (yeah right), your ongoing problems about i don't know what, and honestly, I've come to terms to accept the fact that maybe I'm just not worth any of your effort.

Hush, now. I'm also to blame. I shouldn't have given up too fast on our relationship. I should've been less sensitive about rejections. I shouldn't have stopped reaching out to you even when I found a new haven. I was just tired and way too worn out to start over. I don't have any energy more now, I hope you understand.

 

We didn't see it coming, did we? All of those plans remained plans and none of us even bothered to start over. All of the sweet late night talks will rest in our memories as I guess there will be no next time. I know I'm too exhausted to even throw the idea.

I know, my fault. Yours too.

Someone told me his reason when he stopped trying to save something/one: it was just not worth the pain. I honestly believe I've got my fair share of unsuccessful efforts, and as painful as it may sound, I don't think that I'm (well, we're) worth the pain anymore. 

No, it's not you. It's not me either. It's just one of the natural selection scenes -survival of the fittest. Maybe in the end, we just don't fit each other perfectly anymore, or we find others who fit us easier and better.

I'm no longer the cheese on your mac. I've moved on to toasts and bacon and become croque monsieur while you no longer settle for simple cheese sauce, you want carbonara now. We've found other things and we liked it better.

So one day if someone asks what happened, I'll tell them that it wasnt your fault, not mine either. Let's just agree to blame life. It just kinda happened.

Catatan dari satu pagi di timur Jawa

Ada beberapa hal yang lebih baik hanya dilihat dan diresapi,

Seperti bulan purnama,

Langit penuh bintang,

Dan matahari pagi yang datang setelahnya.

Karena ada beberapa hal yang tidak bisa diperindah fisiknya

Dengan baluran perubahan warna dan cahaya di telepon genggammu.

Mungkin seperti itulah adanya aku, kamu, rasa, dan masa di antara asa kita.

I Miss You.

I miss writing.

And yes, I know it doesnt make sense, knowing that I'm currently working in a news portal which, of course, makes writing an inevitable part of my daily life.

But yeah, I do miss writing.

I miss scribbling over random notes. I miss noticing all the simple yet striking things then turning them into enticing series of words. Maybe I just miss having time to contemplate over mundane things we usually take for granted.

I miss having existential debate on my head over a cup of coffee. I miss talking to people about big things and big dreams, not about real things like jobs or thesis. I miss thinking about the underlying meaning of elementary occurences.

Writing is fun. The excitement of having a sudden idea popping in this small head of mine meeting the agony of finding the perfect thesaurus worthy wordings makes it fun. Re-reading those silly sentences is fun.

Oh well.

"Kalau ngga dipaksa, ngga akan jalan" is probably true. And quoting my motto on almost everything (yes, including on social life),"it's not about having time, its's about making time", maybe I should just make time.

Laters, baby.

Malam minggu di warung kopi.

Hei kamu, ayo minum segelas lagi.

Secangkir kopi belum cukup untuk menutup semua perih

Apalagi keingintahuan kita berdua tentang kisah terkini.

Hei kamu, ayo pesan segelas lagi.

Ayo lanjutkan basa-basi dan tawa-tiwi

Sebelum malam undur diri dan pagi datang kembali.

Ambil lagi sepotong kue kering ini,

Dan juga secuil curahan hati.

Ayolah, aku masih ingin lama disini,

Kalau bisa sampai pagi,

Atau salah satu dari kita mati dan tak punya pilihan selain pergi.

Mungkin sebentar lagi kamu harus mencari lagi,

Atau mungkin aku harus kembali menari,

Atau ada yang memaksa kita untuk lari,

Atau ada yang ingin berhenti menanti.

Ah sayang, tak perlu malu untuk tambah lagi,

Toh konter kopi tidak jauh dari sini.

Tak perlu lari, aku masih akan duduk di sini.

Atau kamu sudah bosan dan ingin pergi tanpa harus kembali?

To the ready, bright, and lucky ones.

I have trust issues. It takes time for me to trust new people. Maybe it's because I'm too judgmental at times, maybe because my judgement cant actually be trusted as i develop feelings towards others too fast —whatever it is, or maybe there's actually no reason for that.

Then I met you.

Yes, we might not have any other choice but to stick together. Yes, the circumstances forced us to be there for each other. And no, I'm not complaining. I couldn't ask for a better way to welcome undeniably one of the best things in my life.

I initially thought that our relationship would be like the ones I saw in chick flicks, where we smile to each others, pretend to adore one another, but deep down we hate each other's gut. I thought a month would never suffice to get to know others, let alone to build a strong relationship. Well, at least I wasn't all wrong with the latter.

It took time. We took a longer time. One month wasn't enough.

We had our drama. We had our badmouthing moments. Oh yes, we even hated each other at times.What can I say? We were different and we came from different worlds. But we kept on dancing, we kept on talking, we kept on walking. And you, you helped me to remember the steps, you reminded me to calm down and catch my breath when things got terrible, you even helped me to put on my fake eyelashes.

The month ended too fast, and yes, it still wasn't enough to get to know each other well. But then again, I didn't realize that we had smeared a foundation to what later would be a beautiful courtship.

Days passed by and almost no week passed by without us meeting. We talked, we laughed, we got mad, we ran behind the governor, we danced for my favorite public official, we tried new places to eat, and I guess we fell for each other.

There were times when I wanted to strangle you with my hairnet but there were times when I couldn't think of anyone else to run to. It was a love/hate relationship, but it was love most of the times.

This might sound sappy, but as our year comes to an end, I gotta say the three words: I love you.

But above all, thank you.

Thank you for being there for me —for the hugs, the make up sessions, the love. You might love me for being the bubbly one at any given time, but you somehow stick with me when tears were flowing from my eyes.

Thank you for making me believe that everything will be great in its own time. Thank you for making me believe that waiting —yes, for a year— wouldn't end in vain when you know what you're aiming for and when you know what to do in the mean time. Thank you for making me believe the cheesy line of 'kalau jodoh ngga kemana' is a legit thing.

Thank you for letting me be myself, even when I couldn't tone down my criticism, even when I turned into a crazy heartbroken girl, and for still loving me with all my perks and edges.

Thank you simply for being in one of the best years in my life. Thank you for the fun hours, thank you for the sleep-deprived nights, thank you for the sunny days we spent together.

For all the sentimental reasons, for all the rational reasons, well, even for no reason at all, I hereby say thank you, and again, I love you.

Happy anniversary, Si Pitung sayang!

Yes, this is a love note. And no, not for your eyes.

Falling for you was easy. Too easy, if I may say. You had me at hello.

Falling for you wasn't in the plan. It really wasn't. You intruded my plan.

But then,

I fell for you somewhere in between the giggles and smiles exchanged during our dinners. I fell for you somewhere between our birthdays. I fell for you somewhere in between the hustle bustle of working days. I fell for you somewhere in between the stolen glances and unfinished food. I fell for you somewhere in between the short trip to the praying room. Above all, I think I fell for you the hardest somewhere in between our conversations, somewhere among the numerous words in the many discussions of wizardry and the latest news.

But then again,

Life is a messy. It's supposed to be messy.

Coupling is a messy affairs.

And letting go, or —maybe, in this case—holding on, is even a messier business.

Yes, falling for you is unplanned. So is this whole mess.

But maybe, just maybe,

somewhere in between this mess,

We can find ourselves,

We can find each other's position,

And maybe, just maybe,

Things will end up good, whatever it may be.

Laters, baby! :-)

Obituari untuk guru piano terbaik

Nothing hurts more than words left unspoken,

Gratitude left unexpressed,

And relationship left unmaintained. 

I still remember the music rooms in the notorious music school,

The old Petrof that I secretly loved so much,

Even the grand piano that I played on Wednesday nights,

Yes, the one that made my weak fingers hurt.

I still remember the way I annoyed you each time I came into class unprepared,

How I couldnt remember the notes,

And how you complained everytime I missed a beat.

But then again,

I wont forget that you stood by me for more than 5 years,

You kept up with my lousy fingerings and sight reading on weekly basis.

You put your faith in me,

And yet you still let me make a choice when I had to.

Thank you for the music,

Thank you for the patience,

And sorry for all the headache I've caused.

But above all, thank you for treating me like a family, like a daughter.

And I am really, really, sorry that I didnt maintain our relationship when I got back in town.

Rest in peace, Pak Sentosa Selamet.

You will be deeply missed, as you always have been.

Waktu Rehat

Ada waktunya kita harus berhenti sejenak, menghela nafas, dan rehat.

Ada waktunya kita harus berhenti mengejar, berhenti mencari,

Dan diam saja.

Hentikan semua pemikiran,

Hilangkan semua pengharapan,

Hapuskan semua kecemasan,

Dan rehat.

Mungkin memang ada waktunya bagi kita untuk diam, dan mencoba mendengar yang selama ini tak terdengar.

Mungkin Tuhan sedang mencoba membisikkan sesuatu:

Bahwa mungkin yang selama ini kita inginkan sudah ada di depan mata,

Bahwa mungkin selama ini kita salah menginginkan,

Bahkan bahwa mungkin memang sebenarnya kita sedang tak butuh apapun.

"Istirahatlah sejenak," mungkin itu yang sedang semesta katakan.

"Istirahatlah, dan biarkan yang akan datang untuk datang, biarkan yang akan pergi untuk pergi, biarkan yang akan tinggal untuk tinggal," lanjutnya.

Sudahlah, sepertinya memang ada waktu rehat untuk semua hal.

Untuk aku,

Untuk kamu,

Untuk jam pelajaran,

Untuk pertandingan,

Juga untuk semua pencarian.

Selamat istirahat sejenak, selamat liburan. Selamat natal dan selamat tahun baru! :-)

Fall in love, even for the hundredth time.

Fall in love, for all the good reasons, for all the impulsive ones, or for no reasons at all.

Fall in love, just to take a chance on new things.

Fall in love, because even when it doesn't work out, you'll still get something.

Because even when things don't go as you wish, you still get a chance to learn.

To realize what you're worth.

To see what you want in a companion, or at least what you don't want.

And to finally be able to understand what Madonna means by "don't go for second best, baby."

Because even if you end up with your unrequited feeling in the end, you know that it's not a total loss at all.

Because you might've found other kinds of love.

A love for a new set of people.

A love for a dream job.

A passion that you've never regarded as a real thing.

A new perspective to see the world.

Because if it's not for falling in love,

You might forget what it feels like to want something,

What it feels like to have butterflies in your tummy,

What it feels like to try,

What it feels like to be able to let go.

Because if it's not for falling in love,

You might forget to appreciate the happiness simple things can bring,

Like a short call just to make sure that you're safe and sound,

Like a good luck shout out when you're going crazy with approaching deadlines,

Like a simple 'good job' on your work.

Fall in love, even if it's for the hundredth time,

Or for the very first time.

Because who knows,

Maybe it's another life lesson to make you wiser.

Maybe it's just another journey you have to take

Or maybe, just maybe,

Somehow things will turn out great this time.

(Et pour toi, oui toi avec les lunettes très chic, je te remercie. À la prochaine!)

The Gratitude List

Back in March and April, I went through a stupid depression. Well you know, the feeling that nothing goes right, that you cant do anything at all to fix your gloomy mood, and the loneliness even though you do have friends around you. I was just back from an amazing semester and I came back to a boring one in Depok; the lessons in here were not interesting at all; I faced a rejection from a program; and above all, I felt that skipping a semester finally took its toll: I was no longer one of the top notch in class - I didn't even understand how to compose a research proposal while the other kids already did a complete research.

That was a bad time. I cried from time to time over small things, even things that didnt make sense like not being able to get a cake for a friend's birthday on time. I knew i needed help, but going to a shrink was not an option.

One day, I stumbled upon Diana Rikasari's blog and found her notes on listing the simple things to be grateful for as a reminder that there's always something to be thankful for. And so I made one myself.

And boy did it work.

I started my monthly gratitude list in April and I'm still making it until now. I list the small good things to the big ones on my agenda and by the end of the month, the blank page is full of happiness. Looking at the list of good things makes me realize that life isn't as bad as it seems; that there are still things to be grateful for, even in the worst times. And that, my friends, has successfully brought me out of the stupid depression. I am a much happier person, I can think clearer, and I'm back to living in the bright side.

Moreover, making the list also brings me hope of what I want to write on next month's list. Having hopes, targets, and dreams is exciting, and excitement is exactly what we (or at least, I) need to get by, day by day.

Make yourself one, and feel the difference it brings.

Laters, baby.

Another Buzzfeed's Genius Attempt to Decipher Life Phenomenon

"Elementary, my dear Frodo. Sometimes, something makes so much sense that you can't believe it hadn't happened before."

Yes, indeed.

Hold On To Sixteen

Hold on to sixteen,
Where dreams and hopes can go as high and as wild as you can imagine,
Where falling in love is not a calculated move but rather an inevitable act,
Where we laugh and giggle all day long,
Where making mistakes is inevitable yet forgettable and forgivable,
Where numbers cant define who you are or what you're gonna be,
Where sparks of life are everywhere,
Where we're so young we cant even imagine being old and lame.

Hold on to sixteen.
Remember how it feels to gossip in the school hallways with your best friends,
Remember how it feels to have a crush on someone who is out of your league,
Remember how it feels to go through puberty, or in some cases, your mum's second one,
Remember how it feels to survive all the mess,
Remember how courageous you once were to get whatever you want.
Remember how great you felt when you were sixteen.

Hold on to sixteen
We are so busy growing up and growing up,
We forget how it feels like  to be free
To worry about almost nothing,
To not take mundane things for granted,
To appreciate the simple joys in life.

Hold on to sixteen
Whether you're nineteen, twenty two, twenty six, or forty.
Hold on to sixteen for at least a moment.
We have all of our life to catch up.

Jakarta, 8.45 pm.
As stupid as it may sound, thank you, Glee.

Butterflies In Your Stomach And Uncontrollable Giggles.

Yesterday I went to see (another) Yovie Widianto's gig in Social Media Festival 2013. That was the third Yovie's gig I went to in the past two months. I'm a big fan, of course, but seeing three gigs in less than 6 weeks is quite a lot. I still love the lovey dovey songs, the amazing vocals, the show off session on the piano (jealousy overload, sir!), and other things from the performance. But yesterday, instead of singing along to the songs -which I shamelessly admit to know every word by heart, I wandered away with my thoughts.

Wouldn't it be great if those songs actually mean something?

Yes, at some point, I do miss falling in love; going gaga for a particular person, or at least just feeling the butterflies inside my tummy and not being able to control my giggles.

In the same evening, I told my buddy that I actually enjoy being single and my weekends do feel much more interesting than they had been when I was with someone. "Yeah, but at times we just cant help but missing having someone to share some moments, right?" he asked. And boy was he right.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy and content. Believe me, hearing that from someone who bitches at almost everything is something big. I finally understand the "I just don't want a bf/gf at the moment' cliche and I can laugh at miserable people moaning about being single and bored on Saturday nights (seriously, people, how can you? don't you have TV series to binge watch or friends to hang with?); but I cant stop myself from wanting the flowery experience all over again. I mean, being head over heels for someone -even your idol- is pretty awesome, right?

Maybe I (and some of you) should just wait for the magical moments to come and for the unreasonable good feelings to knock. And yes, I do know waiting sucks, but hey, maybe the waiting time will make everything worth it. Who knows?

In the mean time, lets just eat puddings and spend times with our loved ones.

Toodles xx

I went total jigglypuff on Oct 13, 2013! 

Refleksi Akhir Musim Panas

Seperti kebanyakan manusia, saya jatuh cinta pelan-pelan dan diam-diam, kemudian terlambat sadar kalau semua hal pasti berakhir. 

Dan mungkin, memang tak ada kata terlambat untuk menyadari apa yang kita inginkan dalam hidup, termasuk tentang pekerjaan, impian, ataupun lingkungan sosial.

Terima kasih untuk dua bulannya, Jakarta Globe ❤

Caffein-Induced Thoughts On Being Single

Yes, this is a post about being single. Yes, it might be the caffeine rush. And yes, I'm reading too much Thought Catalog again. Bear with it.

Months ago I had a conversation about the need to take spaces to think about what we really want in life, in a partner, and stuff. We agreed that taking spaces is needed, especially when we were just starting the twenty something experience; we need to figure things out. So i took mine.

I feel glad that I took the trip that let me reinvent myself, let me meet new people, taught me to step out of my comfort zone, and most of all, taught me that it's okay to be afraid, because changes are normally frightening.

It took me almost a year to find out what I want and finally do it. And friends who weren't afraid to speak up their mind and tell me that I do deserve better. And meeting new people. And an amount of school-related stress. And self-realization that some changes need to be done, unless I can handle not being content all the time.

And so here I am, single again, after years of being in a relationship. It is liberating. It's even better than when I finally ended the long distance relationship that wasnt going nowhere back in high school. Yes, initially it was weird, not having a constant someone anymore and having to face questions from family about that someone's whereabout.

But in the same time, it is amazing. I can list some fun things about being single, again: the anxiety of what's going to happen next; the relieved face of my friends when I told them the news (haha i do realize it, guys!); the excitement of being back in the game; the hilarious jokes thrown at single people; the social time that you have to hang with friends; and of course, the sense of independency that was once lost.

However, the most important thing is, for me, that being single again lets me appreciate what I have and who I am. I can be the kind of person I've always wanted to be (seriously, you'll winced if you realize what an unhealthy relationship can turn you into); and as I once told my friend, I realize that I dont need a boyfriend to make me feel good. People around me are already so great and caring. My support system works really well.

But just because things are pretty much going on well doesnt mean that it doesn't get lonely at times. It does. I often find myself longing for company to try some new food with, or partner to get scared the shit out together by watching a recently released horror movie. And not that I don't have friends, it's just.... sometimes it's not easy to find someone(s) that share the same weird taste as mine. It takes time and patience.

In the mean time, I am blessed with friends who are pretty much available any time I need them. Or even when they're not, there's always Line and group chats. And I do have things to do, like composing proper lines to put on my thesis outline, my internship, and scrolling Buzzfeed's pages.

For all I know, loneliness is not a good reason to rush into a relationship. It's not falling in love, it's falling in love with the idea of being in love.

And as much as I am a hopeless romantic, I still think that rebuilding trust in people and relationship takes time -let alone trusting new people (sorry, strangers!)-and no one knows how much time we need. Maybe it takes only a month, maybe three years, maybe five, or maybe we're already there. Who knows.

(PS. If you enjoy books - from poetic ones to The Hunger Games; understand classical music but still listen to Backstreet Boys and Blink 182; think that obsessing about Dexter is totally normal; can talk about a damn lot of topics -from current political affairs to BBC's Sherlock (!!!) ; would watch any kind of movies -from The Hobbit to Moulin Rouge; tolerates Rocky Horror -plus someone singing 'Sweet Transvestite' from time to time; and love cookies, call me. Seriously, we could be buddies. Oh, and I'll make you cookies. My cookies are pretty damn good.)

(PPS. To my support system, Kiks and Bils, I hereby say thank you, and I love you.)

Toodles!

Midsummer Nonsense

Jakarta. There’s something about mid summer. Maybe the free time it provides lets us to have more time to rethink about things that we never had time to think. Maybe the adventures it lets us to enjoy give a chance for us to make peace with whatever fight is happening inside our brain. Maybe it’s the sunshine – or in today’s case, the everlasting rain- gives a calming effect. There’s always something about mid summer.

One midsummer, I found myself wanting something more, something bigger than what i accustomed to.  One midsummer, I was on a flight, getting ready for an adventure to begin. Another midsummer, I met people who later become part of my support system.

This mid summer, I find myself enjoying what I’m doing and starting to think to change lanes. Also, this midsummer, I am blessed to know some new people that teach me so many things - from how to write real stuff to how important it is to stand for what you believe in.

There might be no blossoming flowers nor new stamps on my passport in this midsummer. There might be an unreciprocated feeling happening this midsummer. There might even be confusion about future plans. But things are as good as it might be. My midsummer has been as enlightening as always.

As the end of summer draws nearer (well, with the climate change, I don't know if we even still have seasons), I can only hope things will get even better, and the upcoming fall semester will bring good things, good changes and clearer pathways.

For now, I can only enjoy the sunshine and the rain (j’adore la pluie!!). I hope you too have a good midsummer!

Forever, you say?

Remember in middle school you had one friend or several friends and you were inseparable throughout the years? And then high school happened, you found some other friends to hang out with and inevitably left the ones you had before. And then college happened. And so on.

Yes, life goes on. Yes, people come and go but only the ones that really matter stay. I know that very well.

I was just looking at old pictures and stories, seeing faces that once were labelled "BFF" - Best Friend Forever. It's funny that the ones that the people you called BFF ended up to be the ones that you never really speak to again. It's funny that the used to be day-to-day catching up sessions are replaced by seeing each other's posts on social media. It's funny that we were so easy to call someone(s) BFF, and just in one or two years, we have no idea what's going on with each other's life.

What's with the term "forever"? How could we be so sure about the long-lasting aspect of a relationship? Was it just a hope? Was it a plan? Tsk.

But maybe then again life is just trying to show us which ones that we can be certain of.

Maybe the term "forever" is too romantic. Maybe the most important thing is to appreciate what we have now.

For now, I am lucky to have good people surrounding me and I'm deeply grateful for their presence. I'm having a good relationship with my family (thank god the puberty vs menopause time is finally over); my partner-in-crimes are the best that i can hope for; new found friends that are only a group chat away; nice people in my internship place; the crush -oops-; and so on.

I wont worry about what future has in store for my relationships and friendships. This time, maybe it's best to follow what someone once told me: good relationship doesn't just happen, you need to work on it; and never-never take things for granted. Then maybe, just maybe, forever can happen.

Toodles xx

Four Years Later

I was just browsing through this blog (that I havent touched since Jan), and I found a post from few years ago. The post was about my insecurities with the future: where to go, what to do, what i wanna be. That was back in senior year in highschool. As time went by, now, four years later, I'm in my senior year again, and here I am, contemplating about the same questions. Where do we go from here?

I thought that I got it all figured out when I chose which school to go (didnt we all?), but nope, I'm still trying to find my way. It's getting clearer. I mean, I know what I wanna be, but how? Trying to figure out what to do next is confusing. I mean, we're twenty somethings, arent we supposed to be good at making plans?

The end is near, with only one semester to go (or maybe two), seniors are now facing the same old question: where do you wanna go from here? 

Will we ever have the answer for this question? Will the plan work? What if it doesnt? 

Too many questions. Insecurities are not good, I told myself over and over again. A friend told me that worrying wont get you nowhere, the most important thing is to seize the moment with what you have now as tomorrow will come anyway. Or in Hagrid's words: " What's comin' will come, and we'll meet it when it does."

Maybe they're right. Maybe we (I) should chill and believe that everything will be alright. Even Sulley and Mike can end up as the best scarers in Monsters, Inc. even though they got expelled from the university. Yeah, maybe worrying really wont get you anywhere.