Four Years Later

I was just browsing through this blog (that I havent touched since Jan), and I found a post from few years ago. The post was about my insecurities with the future: where to go, what to do, what i wanna be. That was back in senior year in highschool. As time went by, now, four years later, I'm in my senior year again, and here I am, contemplating about the same questions. Where do we go from here?

I thought that I got it all figured out when I chose which school to go (didnt we all?), but nope, I'm still trying to find my way. It's getting clearer. I mean, I know what I wanna be, but how? Trying to figure out what to do next is confusing. I mean, we're twenty somethings, arent we supposed to be good at making plans?

The end is near, with only one semester to go (or maybe two), seniors are now facing the same old question: where do you wanna go from here? 

Will we ever have the answer for this question? Will the plan work? What if it doesnt? 

Too many questions. Insecurities are not good, I told myself over and over again. A friend told me that worrying wont get you nowhere, the most important thing is to seize the moment with what you have now as tomorrow will come anyway. Or in Hagrid's words: " What's comin' will come, and we'll meet it when it does."

Maybe they're right. Maybe we (I) should chill and believe that everything will be alright. Even Sulley and Mike can end up as the best scarers in Monsters, Inc. even though they got expelled from the university. Yeah, maybe worrying really wont get you anywhere.

There's something wrong with hospitality here

( Ps. read Pangeran Siahaan's article on similar topic here )

There is something wrong with Indonesians working in hospitality area. Nope, I'm not talking about the bosses, but the workers who do direct contact with customers, like waiters and shop keepers. They are unbelievably judgmental towards local people.

I've heard stories about clubs in Bali that charge tickets only for locals while foreigners get free entry. Some clubs even set the "foreigner" bar higher: only white foreigners (or bule) count as "foreigner", so if you're Indian or Filipino, you're still not bule enough thus you have to pay entry levy. I've never been in a night club in Bali, so i don't have the first hand experience of that, but that was what my friend experienced when she (-not Indonesian  but not bule) went there. You can see similar stories on the link i put above.

Shopkeepers treat you differently in Indonesia, or at least Jakarta. Foreigners get better treatment as the shopkeepers will greet them with more warmth. Well, maybe in smaller cities, this is what locals feel about domestic tourists coming from Jakarta. I don't know, I've always been the tourist from Jakarta when I visit smaller cities.

What i know for sure is shopping centers, shops, and the shopkeepers are really judgmental about what you wear. Yeah, I know that what you wear represents who you are, but still, this is annoying, and disgusting at some level. You may not realize it, but it does happen. Lets say, in one mall near Sudirman, in the entrance door there are signs telling you that you cannot wear shorts or slippers. What, they think that people that wear shorts are not capable of being well-represented enough, or further, are not wealthy enough. Stereotyping at its finest. So what if i go around wearing my shorts and t-shirts? Shops in Singapore never rejected me just because i'm not wearing the so-called-proper outfit. It's a mall for heaven's sake, it's not a church or convention hall or state palace.

Same judgmental treatment will happen if you happen to come to shops (good ones, i mean) wearing something that doesn't say "i have money". Trust me. Come to one of the upscale shops wearing your usual-lazy-college-day t shirt  they will look at you from head to toe, trying to estimate your capability of spending money there. Number one tip: don't come inside those stores looking like a shit. Well, or do. And go buy something expensive. Rub the shit on those pretentious shopkeepers' faces. Have your own Pretty Woman moment.

An experiment that you can do on your own: go to the same store twice. first, wear your cozy homey t shirt  later, wear your good outfit; office attire will do great. See the difference.

I went to this store yesterday, i was wearing my formal attire (i just finished an interview), and i somehow realized that the staffs treated me better than the other time i went there wearing something cozy. Well, not that i'm complaining or anything since the staffs in that particular store was always nice, well at least they're not rude. (listen there, Debenhams. I love you.) (Tip number two: short skirt can do wonder. I wore the same blouse twice. First time with jeans, second time with skirt. When i wore skirt, i looked more professional or whatevs, but they took me more seriously when i'm asking question on stuffs. Looking more mature (therefore have money) maybe?) Well you know what i mean. Have you never had the moment where the shop keeper stared at you and looking at everywhere you went and anything you touched with that underestimating look? I have. And it sucked. Seriously, why? Is it only an Indonesian thing? I mean, the shop keepers are always nice in other countries (well, except on some little or shabby stores in Singapore .__.) Even the people in Louis Vuitton Champs Elysee were extremely nice and not judgmental when i came there wearing my usual school outfit, trust me, they weren't fancy at all (plus i didn't buy anything there, a normal high school kid cant afford an LV from her allowance, right?). Some people need to learn how to be not judgmental and to not underestimate any customer.

For me, the most effective way to handle the shopkeepers and waiters that underestimate and judge you is by being cocky. Be cocky, really cocky. Show off the coolest thing you have at the moment, talk big, and leave. If you're not buying anything (well, maybe because the price is so freaking expensive there -true story, damn you Indonesian high tax!), leave gracefully, preferably with a big bullshit, say, you wont buy the bag because you already saw it 4 months ago in Paris and buying last season's stuff is not your thing. It's called a white lie bullshit, honey, and we all need it sometimes.

Anyway, screw you people who judge customers only from appearance. One day I'll have my own Pretty Woman moment (sans Richard Gere). I'll come to a fancy store with judgmental shopkeepers, wearing shorts and plain white t shirt (Oh, it'll be from Armani), let them think that i cant buy anything, wait until they softly hushed me away, and buy the most expensive shit there. That is the dream, honey.

Okay, back to work, and torrenting Sandra Bullock + Richard Gere movies.

Toodles.

paris, 20eme arrondissement.

Par la fenêtre, il y a.. 
la Tour Eiffel au loin, entourée de vieux toits 
la Seine, qui coule quelque part. 

elle s'est eloignee, depuis longtemps
Elle est seule, loin de chez elle. 
C'est déjà le printemps maintenant 
et son temps est presque fini. 

Paris, oui ma cherie, c'est Paris. 
on dit que c'est la ville de l'amour. 
Ah, parlons de l'amour! 

Cette fillette sait, enfin, que l'amour n'est pas 
la chose la plus importante dans sa vie. 
Heureusement! 

Ah, quel histoire de l'amour, 
Son attente, sa peine, ses larmes, 
vague de bonheur et de incertainite. 
Si belle, si vaste, si immense, si terrible, si bizzare, 
en même temps. 

Passent les jours et les semaines passent 
ni le temps passe
ni l'amour reviennent

Sous le ciel bleu de Paris, 
sur les chemins plein de merde, 
entre les Louis Vittons et les magasins Chinoises
dit-elle, 

"Qu'est-ce qu'il peut faire avec l'amour? 
        J'ai un putain d'années! 
        me ne frego con amor! 
        Je suis plus puissante aujourd'hui. 
        E sono Contenta.
        Au moins, je les essaie>> 

elle ne vas pas demeurer comme ça. 
Les larmes coulent a son visage, comme toujours 
et aussi son cœur. 
Mais t'inquiétes pas, 
il ya un sourire en train de pousser sur ses lèvres. 

C'est la vie, ma cherie! 
Tu vas etre bien élevée comme ca. 
Tu auras mieux, beaucoup mieux, 
et quelques jours, ca sera bientôt, 
tu peux dire, de nouveau, 
la mia vita e bella, ah non! 
la mia vita e bellissima!

April 20, 2009. 

Sometimes you fall for the right person in the wrong time

You know that saying: "when it's right, it's right" ? Or Barney Stinson's line from one episode of How I Met Your Mother: “Sometimes you fall for someone you'd never expect, but that doesn’t make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?" Well, truth is, falling for someone is not always that simple.

If you're lucky, you'll fall for someone right in the right time, and things will go perfectly. You'll meet someone at some random place, and then you'll go on few dates before you'll both finally tell each other how much you enjoy the time you spent together. You'll go hand by hand strolling around the city. You'll have some disputes caused by simple things like whose turn it is to choose today's Ben&Jerry's flavor or which pizza place you will go this weekend. You'll share the same curiosity on things that other people won’t care, like whether Pokemon can reproduce or not. In short, you'll be in the kind of relationship that you can compare to Marshall-Lily's or even Monica-Chandler's.

But sometimes, you fall for the wrong person. Sometimes you meet someone who is incredibly hot or charming and you fall under his/her spell. You'd do anything to grab his/her attention. And if you're lucky enough to have his/her attention, you'll do anything to keep it that way. That other person might treat you like trash, yet you'd still be there, hopelessly clinging to that thing you believe as love. Then you'll eventually come to your senses and decide to leave the person. Or he/she might dump you first. You'll weep or curse, but in the end you'll manage because you know that's for the best. You'll move on and continue the search of your perfect match.

But what's worse than falling for the wrong person is falling for the right person in the wrong time. Maybe it's your last three weeks of your exchange program when you suddenly get closer to that guy you've never talked to much and you found out that you have many things in common, plus he's cute and he actually fits in your top 3 characteristics of people you find attractive. You might still be in a relationship that you're sure will go nowhere but you still have the decency not to cheat before its officially over. You also know that the odds are not in your favor because in 3 weeks you'll move to other city and he's going home. And your country is far away from his. And you're not rich enough to buy plane tickets to go there. You're not even sure if the feeling is mutual. Maybe he's nice to everybody, or is it just to you? But one thing, you sure know that your feeling is real. You might fall for him fast, but you fall deeply. You haven't had this kind of crush since years ago, with your high school sweetheart. And finally, you know it's right because...it's right. But you can’t do anything. You can only enjoy your last moments together, of enjoying Christmas lights, deciding which boulangerie has the best croissant, eating chocolate covered apple from the town Christmas market, singing childhood songs, and playing charades. And its finally time to say goodbye. He goes back to his country, you move to another city.

Jason Mraz says in his song, "Timing's everything". I tell you this, sometimes timing's a bitch. You finally find what you've been looking for, but you have to leave it all behind. You have little chance to pursue that happiness. And that hurts for sure.

So, if you're lucky enough to fall for the right person in the right time, i congratulate you and i hope you cherish it. But if you're in love with the right person but in the wrong time, all i have to say is: i feel you, bro. Here's some advice for you (and me, maybe): Seize the moments you have left. Make a choice. Make a move, if it's what you really want. Don't be too shy and calculating, as it is better to feel ashamed later rather than to constantly ask yourself what things will be if you had made the bold move for years and years. Don't over-think things, you might not have that much of time. Don't give up on what you want. Yes, timing sometimes sucks, but you can beat it. You can get what you want, only with extra extra effort. Even if you fail, at least you know you've tried. Because in the end, you know that you deserve to get what you want. You deserve to be happy.

hold on to your things

Hold on to your things as they are precious. Maybe you just havent realized it yet. or maybe you have, but you just take them for granted. 

Dont take things for granted. They might end up leaving you or taken away for you.

Just like this llama who took away my hat.

Bad llama.

Laters!

(Anyway, where can i get a llama in Indonesia?)
(I want a llama for my birthday!)
(My birthday is in 1 month and 8 days!)
(I'll be twenty two soon! 22! The sexiest age there is! Barney would love to bang me!)
(wtf, brain)
(go  back to work, del.)

The two sided words

I'm big on quotes. Later on, i came to realization that there are always opposite sides of those quotes. Always. you know that saying of "if you loved me, you wouldn't have let me go" and "if you love me, you'll let me go and be happy"? dammit. which one is the right one? it's like you can never get the answer of your question from those words. or maybe there are always two sides of every condition i don't know. it's like deciding whether to move on or not: whether you should let go of your loved one so they'll be happy, or you should chase what is 'rightfully' yours. confusing, right? or another case, whether you have to "wait for someone who love you for who you really are" or "do a diet and makeover and go get the guy". This is almost as confusing as choosing which shoes to buy when you only have the budget for one pair. (kidding. buy both. suffer until the end of the month. be poor and happy).

i wanted to write something else, not this, but then i forgot what i wanted to write initially.
problem with my goldfish memory.

toodles.

2012 Highlight: TF LEaRN @NUS

In September  i wrote a post on my exchange program, basically questioning the purpose of taking another semester off and wandering in a new place. Now, in the end of December, almost 3 weeks after the program  finished, i can finally come up with a conclusion: the same old conclusion, " I wasn't looking for something, yet i found so many things." Cliche, but it is what it is.

Going on exchange, travelling abroad and alone, doing new things, and meeting new people are addictive, you can never get enough of them. Once i got the taste of adventure, i kept looking for similar opportunities. My friend said that i'm an exchange bitch, another said that i simply couldn't stay content with life at home. Whatever. So for 2 years i had been looking for chances of exchange programs, something that can brighten up my dull college life, something that can change my life, again. There are few programs that i initially wanted to apply but then i cancelled because of some future considerations, so i was happy when i found this exchange program in NUS. I applied, and thank god i got in.

So Singapore it is. One of my recent favorite holiday destinations. The place where i first encountered rejection (from SMU back in 2010-damn that hurt). College dorm, one of the best universities in Asia, a place where i can finally be on my own. To be honest, i wasn't expecting many things. I mean, it was Singapore, with thousands of Indonesians, with places that weren't really new for me, with my high school friends studying there. What could go wrong? What could get so special? Later i learned not to underestimate anything.

I met new people from all over the world. AFS all over again, as i thought. I've never been good with new people. I can play nice, but getting close to new people is another thing. I spent my first weeks hanging around only with few people. Life was dull. New friends were so eager to go around the city, visiting touristy places while all i wanted  was to have some friends to go to random places and eat new things. Good thing that i got the chance to reconnect with friends from my high school. And as the saying goes "Bukit Duri sampai mati", i instantly enjoyed the togetherness of old friends and old memories. Plus i was the only girl in the crowd, so i didnt have to try hard to behave or being sweet; and they took care of me. Another blessing was meeting fellow indonesians in NUS. They were (and still are) super sweet. Ive never thought that Indonesians could be that sweet. I got close to them from my second month there. It was really nice to always have people to eat breakfast with (8am, sharp!) and to get invited to birthdays, gathering, and cooking sessions. My adoration for them grew just in a short time. I found myself comfortable enough to stay up late until 4am, telling stories and problems that was happening in my life, and sharing ambitions and dreams. I also made new friends, from my RA, my floor mates, the indian twins (whom i still couldnt differentiate if there's only one of them), my fellow TF Learn scholars, my classmates, and even the lunch lady.

Things got better eventually. I loved my life. I loved the craziness of NUS' academic life. Hell, I loved staying up late until 2 am almost every night just because i had to finish the readings or post some weird writings for my class. I loved that NUS has a music conservatory within a walking distance. Although the conservatory constantly reminded me of the fact that i'm never gonna be good enough to play on the concert stage, i loved the place because they have a huge music library and they have concerts almost every week. I loved the fact that in spite of the crazy schedule, i still could fit in some social times with friends, swimming sessions, and concerts. Life was finally as good as it could be. I couldnt ask for more.

The only thing that was nagging me was, if i was that happy with my life in sg, did it mean that there was something wrong with life back home? why couldnt i be this content before? will i be this happy when this is all over? Well, my dear boss from AIESEC just came up with the suitable answer: dont think too much. stop worrying about the future, most of us forget to enjoy the present, and they missed a lot. so i decided to stop overthinking things, and seize the moment.

My last weeks were another highlight. I got to get closer with my fellow TF Scholars (people from my exchange program). I hadnt been close to them in the beginning, maybe because i enjoyed times with other friends too much, maybe because i didnt try enough to get close to them, maybe i was still this selfish brat who loved to do things alone instead of having to wait and consider what other people think. But after the ASEAN Learning Journey preparation (a symposium on ASEAN things), one thing hit me, damn, i missed a lot of things, these people are so much fun, i have to spend more times with them. Short story, from study sessions, daily dinner, shopping spree, late night chat and movies, to tambay, i found myself in love with those people. We shared stories, secrets, laughter, even dirty jokes. It was late, but late is much better than nothing at all. After all, the friendship wont end when the program ends. I know well that the good and right people are hard to find, so if you're lucky enough to find them, you stick to them. 

The things i did, the people i met, the insight i gained left me with a notion of endless possibilities: that i can do anything that i want; that i can be who i am, there are still people wanting to befriend me; that good friends are like soulmates, and you can meet them anywhere if you can open yourself; that i can do statistics (!); that dammit, i still can speak french; that there are places to be and to visit; that there are still new things to discover; that i am good enough for good things (Gee, thanks, Tommy Tjokro!); that it is possible for me to get a PhD; that envy wont get you anwhere unless you do something about it; that heartache will heal eventually; that forgiveness and closure arent that hard to give; and above all, life is beautiful if you choose to live on the brightside.

The journey was a total opposite of what i thought it would be. The journey was a life-changing experience. (when i thought that i couldnt get another life-changing experience after France'08-'09). It was a humbling experience. At the same time, it was a mind-opening one.  But as what we believe in AFS, the real journey will start when the program ends. The friendships and love i found will restart after we say goodbye. The dreams and targets i found will start to be accomplished after i get back to reality. The values i found will start to be important when things get normal. Even the diet will start...someday (lol). As my friend, Arya, said in his blog, this is not the case where we can say that whatever happened in Cinnamon stays in Cinnamon. Whatever happened in Cinnamon, we bring it back throughout our next chapters of life.

Cinnamon College, NUS, TF LEaRN Programme, you will be missed.

Love, #20-107c.